Oh god, it's been forever since I touched this account.

Okay so I don't know about any of you guys, but when it comes to a new year and the month of January, it always puts me in this refreshed and motivated mood. More specifically, to make art and get projects that lived in my head for years or just arrived.

I honestly have had almost NO MOTIVATION to draw most of 2024 and spent most of it playing flash games while listening to YouTube videos or music with the occasional motivation to watch an animation or get really into drawing only to never finish it. It wasn't exactly always like this though.

Sure, I'd be posting things occasionally to some of my accounts and still made drawings (that I was never motivated to post), but the inspiration to draw had gotten lost on me all year. Any time I'd get a speck of inspiration, it fizzled once I opened my art program or got a piece of paper out.

I really wish that I had the same drive to make art and have recognition for it like I did when I was in middle school, but I feel like the climate of the internet became so different after 2020 and I fear that's what's scaring me out of posting art.

Plus, on top of all of that, I got a big wave of depression that stuck with me the first week after I graduated and came back near the end of July. The majority of 2024 was just mostly me being unmotivated and slowly degrading into a NEET, the only work I did being house chores. To top it all off, a new addition was made to the family and it gave me less time for me to try and destress or give myself some me time. I don't even fucking know how to do me time anymore! I used to do it just fine even when my mom would be home on the days she didn't work but now I've been used to doing the same thing everyday that it feels like it doesn't even matter anymore.

Oh yeah, remember when I said I graduated high school? Yeah, being a 2024 graduate is kind of ass because not only is the animation industry in pretty bad shape and the internet was not having a good year (with all the people that got exposed or canceled it was REALLY fucking hard to watch), but I feel like my development of being an adult just got so stunted when quarantine came around. By this, I mean that I was already maturing in middle school. I went from saying shit I would NEVER repeat today in 6th grade to being worried about what college I was gonna go to in 8th. I know for a fact being an adolescent of any age could NOT have been good when going through quarantine, but I feel like it made me stop all my progress of growing into being the average adult who can keep their feelings to themselves and just keep going.

I've done nothing but wishing things were like how they were back then and try to relive simpler times and times I'd never experienced. It all does feel like things were better and a lot of horrible thoughts just kept circling round and round in my head all fucking year and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my day amounting to nothing, not having the motivation to create, and just overall feeling like shit mentally.

I'm going to force myself to be like how I was back in 2022-2023 when I started embracing my inner child again and was always drawing even when I didn't post it or was always wanting to do stuff even if I couldn't yet. I'm turning 20 years old this year god dammit it's time I took matters into my own hands!

So with all that said, I'm forcing myself to better myself this year and I REALLY hope I get very far. I've already started applying to fast food places just to start as my first job and I've finally got the chance to at least be somewhat alone near the end of this month. I won't try to pressure myself with a deadline or thinking I missed my chance to make something, but I will start off by making my art for fun or because I feel like it. I feel like that's when I really do it most is if I know I'm having fun making it or trying random things out.

This post shouldn't have been as emotional as it seems now that I read it back but you know what? I don't care honestly. I'm damn sure there's at least someone reading this and probably relating to one of these sentences I typed out. Besides, I know we're all human and we all struggle and stuff and I feel like we forget that sometimes.

Jesus, now it just ended all cheesy...

Oh also if you've seen my older art, you'll know I have these characters and they were gonna be for a series I had been writing ideas for and thinking scenarios out for years (maybe you didn't know that last part idk). Well, each year I'd tell myself, "This is it! The year of Inky!" And while I do end up never releasing a single animation, I feel like maybe it won't be this year, maybe it'll be sometime in the future. I feel like I'm jinxing myself when I think that to myself but who really knows what'll happen? The least I can do though is try posting comics or art pieces to whoever may be interested in my characters. If I do post any animations/animatics the animation is definitely gonna be limited since I haven't actually animated anything (my ambition is at fault here since I wanna always make some James Baxter-level shit. It overwhelms me way too much in the process) and my uncensored sort of stuff will be put here since YouTube can be a bitch.

Okay, I have absolutely NOTHING LEFT to say so I'm gonna just leave this post here. I don't even really know what the point of this post was, I think I just really wanted to update an imaginary, long gone, and/or small audience I have just so they know I'm fine. If you're any one of those, I absolutely welcome you.